counting phosphenes.

sometimes i imagine a couple
that can't agree on children.
so in the meantime they settle
to use protection
until they come to a conclusion.
he's poking holes in their condoms
while she sleeps and
she's taking precautionary birth control
when he turns his back.
i wonder if they're happy, anyway.

i had a dream.
i don't remember all of it, just tidbits.
i recall you setting our family's home aflame
and curling up with your notebooks in the fireplace
and shrugging when you realized you couldn't escape.

that time in the water
my lungs felt like they were on fire.
my skin prickled and i could tell my hairs were on end,
flowing in the liquid surrounding me.

and if i kill myself again
i hope i have the courage to do it in the nude.